It's Not Me, It's You... Hitting on Her

The Shocking Moment that made my Self-Worth go on Autopilot

From Pancakes to Promise

Summer concerts are so much fun, especially on a date. There’s great entertainment, food trucks galore, and a laid-back vibe. It was our second date, and I was really starting to like him. He was intelligent, and he made me laugh (which is completely underrated).

Our first date was at a diner, chatting over pancakes and coffee. He was easygoing. Interesting. Curious. The banter was fun, and the conversation flowed as easily as the coffee from the carafe.

We kept talking during the week, and he asked me right away if I would like to go to a summer concert the following weekend. I took that as a good sign that he was confident, direct, and assertive. I liked that he knew what he wanted. I felt like this had promise.

Twinkling Lights & Good Vibes

The concert venue was only a short drive from the train station, so we agreed to meet in the parking lot and ride over together. It was this sweet little neighborhood park with a tiny amphitheater, the seats carved into a hillside, and the stage down below. Twinkling lights were strung from the stage to the back of the amphitheater, casting a soft glow across the night. The sun was just setting as we found our seats.

The place filled up fast with a wonderful mix of friends, couples, and families all out to soak up the summer evening.

While we waited for the concert to begin, we talked about our jobs, our likes, and what we were looking forward to that summer. The conversation felt attentive, easy, mutual. He made eye contact. He was clever. He made me laugh, easily. I felt Comfortable. Happy. I was genuinely glad to be there with him.

Then He Turned Around (Literally)

As the concert started, he seemed excited and began talking to people around us about the artist. He struck up a conversation with the couple behind us, thrilled that they knew the singer’s work. He asked about the songs, the artwork, the tour. I appreciated his energy and tried to join in when I could, but eventually I just leaned back and enjoyed the music.

Throughout the show, he kept turning around abruptly and chatting more and more with the couple behind us, then the person to his left. He was definitely more social than I was, but the longer it went on, the more I started to feel... kind of invisible. Like a bystander on my own date.

Excuse Me, What Just Happened?

As the concert wound down, I figured we’d grab a bite or a drink. But as the singer took their final bow, I started gathering my things to thank him for the evening, when he suddenly turned again to talk to the couple, or more exactly, the woman behind us.

And I mean really talk to her, which I thought was strange, because I assumed the man she was with was her boyfriend. As the four of us all stood facing each other, he continued to talk with the woman and I felt a wave of confusion coming over me.

What was happening?

I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. My brain was not able to compute what was actually occurring in front of me. It felt surreal.

He was asking her what other concerts she had seen.

Yes, he had seen that one too, how about this one, yes that one was over there. Oh you live in that area, that area is so great.

I’ve been looking at a place over there the restaurants are amazing. Do you like it? How’s the parking? Do you hang out at the place on the corner? Cool.

All this while the man and I stood there like blinking dolls, completely uninvited to the conversation, painfully present in our irrelevance.

Then it happened.

He asked for her name and phone number.

And she gave it to him.

Right in front of me while I was standing next to him.

The Moment I Became Someone Else (or Finally Myself)

For the first time in my life, I felt like I was being taken over by someone else. I was having an out-of-body experience.

I turned to him and

without anger,

without thought,

without rehearsing it in my head,

I asked him with the confidence of a goddess:

“Are you asking another woman for her phone number while you are on a date with me?”

He turned his head, smiled, and said “Yeah, I’m always looking to meet people to hang out with.”

I couldn’t even tell you what the couple’s reaction was because without a word or pausing, I picked up my purse and walked out of the amphitheater and back towards the car.

He was quickly by my side and I heard myself say again, calmly, on autopilot: “That was really brazen of you to ask for her phone number while you were on a date with me.”

He started explaining that after his divorce he was left without a lot of friends. That he was just looking to meet people.

But I had already checked out.

A switch had flipped. I thought: “I don’t need this.” And somehow, at the same time, I felt empathy for him.

I understood the loneliness. The awkward rebuilding after a divorce. But honestly, wasn’t that the whole point of going on this date? To expand our circles with each other?

I genuinely thought we were having a good time and I believed that the interest in each other was mutual.

Silence, Sweet Silence

The ride back to the parking lot was filled with silence, which I felt completely comfortable about it.

Which was such a strange feeling, because just a few years ago, the silence after asserting myself would have left me Anxious. Fawning. Over-explaining.

Eventually, he reached over, touched my leg, and said softly, “I’m sorry… I was really starting to like you.”

I was kind but firm. I told him that I thought his behavior demonstrated otherwise. And although I believed he really did feel sorry, what happened felt completely unacceptable to me.

And for the first time, I didn’t tell myself “It’s Fine.”

I didn’t minimize my own feelings.

I didn’t overthink it.

I didn’t make myself small.

In that moment, I wondered if i really was channeling someone else because the old me would have never felt that I had the right to deny an apology. Or be able to find the strength not to automatically move to ease his emotional state by saying “It’s Fine” when it absolutely wasn’t Fine.

Next, Please

He dropped me off at my car and told me that he felt like he was never going to see me again. He was right.

I shed a few tears on the way home, not because I was unsure of how I responded, but because I had let myself feel hopeful for this date. And even in that disappointment, I knew I was right to walk away. I no longer felt like I had to settle over being true to myself and knowing my worth.

I sent him a message that night letting him know I didn’t feel okay about what happened, and that I wasn’t interested in seeing him again.

He apologized again. Wished me well. And that was that.

A Test, Passed

The funny thing about this event is that it absolutely was a test from the universe.

Like, “Okay you say you’re worthy….lets see”.

I seriously imagine my angels and guides sitting around their round table that night, mouths open in shock responding to the way I handled it:

“Damn, girl.”
“Oh no he didn’t.”
“Oh YES he did.”
“And oh YES she did.”

Dear Universe: I’ve passed this test. Next time please send me someone that doesn’t ask for another woman’s number while we’re on a date. Thanks so much!

Be Well,

Nicole

Let’s Reflect Together

Have you ever made yourself smaller to keep someone else comfortable?

What’s a time you stayed silent when your worth was being overlooked?

What would the “worthy version” of you say or do in that moment?

Who’s one person you need to stop making excuses for?