Carrie’s Shoes
A Lesson in Overcoming Single Shaming
Celebrations of all Shapes and Sizes
Celebrations, just like people, come in all Shapes and Sizes. Yet we struggle to learn to celebrate ourselves and become overly dependent on others to dictate what achievements are worthy of celebrating. If you don’t fit in the typical celebratory milestones of getting married, having kids, or buying a house, you can feel that there is little support from others to recognize or celebrate your accomplishments.
The key is to learn to Recognize our own accomplishments. To Savor them, to Celebrate them and to stop seeking permission from others or society to acknowledge and give us permission to celebrate what we hold important to our own happiness.
A brilliant depiction of this is an 2003 episode of Sex in the City “A Woman’s Right to Shoes”, where the main character, Carrie, is judged for still being single and childless despite her many accomplishments. Throughout the episode we see Carrie celebrating her friend through yet another baby shower. When her expensive shoes, required to be taken off at the door, are stolen by another guest, she is dismissed by her friend as overreacting and being frivolous about purchasing such expensive shoes. The episode concludes with Carrie creating a Gift Registry in Celebration of Her Singlehood and inviting her friend to purchase an item - with a pair of the lost shoes being the only item on the Gift Registry.
The episode is a wonderful evaluation of how we so easily celebrate the accomplishments of coupled people through celebrating their marriages, babies, and buying homes, but watch as single friends pass through life with little widely celebrated milestones.
Whether you consider yourself single by choice or circumstance, or just Single AF, your value as a person and member of society is no less than someone who is partnered. It’s just different. If you have difficulty accepting being single, you will never be able to enjoy it!
Dealing with Single Shaming
Are you surrounded by family that are perfectly coupled and you are always the odd person out? Or perhaps the shame or pressure to be coupled up isn’t coming from the outside anymore, your family or friends are over you being single, but somehow the shaming continues and you finally realize that it is coming from the inside, from you?
Single Shaming is at its root shame that arises because being single is associated with a negative self-evaluation where you may see being single as a deficiency which leads to feelings of worthlessness or unacceptance of others.
Repeat after me “It’s okay to be single”.
What is your gut response to saying that? Do you believe it, or does every cell in your body ache? Whatever your reaction, Own It. Understand where it is coming from and expose the root of it. This is where the shame of being single lives for you.
Give Yourself Permission to Be Single
There is so much to enjoy about being single and your life is worth celebrating with or without a partner, or family that support your relationship status. At the end of the day, what is true is that you need to be the one that is cheering you on and celebrating you, and those that love you will join in.
It starts with giving yourself permission to be Single, even if it’s just permission to be single for the day, month, or year. Giving yourself permission to be single removes the pressure you may be putting yourself through, regardless if it is self-inflicted pressure or external pressure from family or friends.
Take time to learn about what you love about yourself, what you enjoy spending time doing and take action to start to cultivate those interests. Days waiting for a partner to make your life everything you want it to be, is wasted time.
Stop Comparing, Start Celebrating
Stop comparing yourself to others and start celebrating yourself. Focus on your own achievements and accomplishments. The fact that you are single does not mean that you are less deserving of love, affection, or acceptance. Constantly comparing yourself to what others have instead of focusing on what you want and already have, diminishes yourself and takes away joy and happiness from yourself, through the constant yearning for external wishes and wants from others.
Celebrations come in all shapes and sizes, make plans to do something nice for yourself. Start small if you have to. Celebrate yourself by making a list of all of your accomplishments and achievements, your skills, and positive traits. Put time into treating yourself kindly and with love. Make yourself a nice meal or special treat and celebrate YOU.
Want to be a bit more extravagant? Let others Celebrate YOU through your very own Singlehood Celebration and Gift Registry.
Be Well,
Nicole